Tuesday, February 12, 2013

You Make it Hard on Me

Today, I woke up by my pump beeping at me. Like you do. But, it was my sensor. I had apparently ripped it out in the wee morning hours. I decided to leave it out for the first part of the day. I was productive and did everything I needed to do before coming home and putting a new sensor in, as well as a new pump site, since I was out of insulin. No big deal. Happens every three days.

I went to work at 5:30. Since I work in a fast paced environment, I was able to ignore my pump to a certain extent. Except, we were slooooow tonight. And of course, I was closing, which meant that I would get out of the restaurant at 10:30 at the EARLIEST. But, of course, we had people that wanted to sit there until 10:45. Which wouldn't have been a big deal normally, other than the mild irritation we had at them. However, at 8:00, my "Predicted High" alert started.

I checked my blood sugar and was at a 325 BG. So, I decided to eat a piece of bread quickly and bolus for it, thinking it would surely bring my blood sugar down. Three quarters of the way through my slice, I got a "No Delivery" message. Tried to bolus again. "No delivery." Tried again. "No Delivery."


Started messing with my pump. Accidentally hit the rewind feature and lost my insulin. I didn't have an extra site with me because I had just changed today and didn't think it was necessary. Well, it was.

I lost all possibilities of insulin and pump use and realized I had two hours of work left at minimum.

In our restaurant, the closers check out the sidework, silverware and tables of the non-closers. We do it to be efficient. And then, the coaches (management) check us out. Which, is amazingly convienent. But, I started to lose it.

I freaked out. I was frustrated. I had to set my pump down because I thought I was going to throw it across the kitchen. I threw my tubing instead. #bigbabystyle

I had the other two closers helping me. But, I was getting triple sat and couldn't control myself. I consider a lot of my coworkers as friends. When "S" asked me what he could help me with, I pleaded for a new pancreas. In true S style, he said, "No problem. I know a guy."

I laughed through my tears. This was perfect for me. But, I was still distrought.

"C" came up to me and asked how she could help and what was wrong. I lost it. I started crying and said, "I know it's stupid, but I just hate having diabetes and I don't want to deal with complications. I want to let go of what I can't control and just get over it." She patted my back and helped me gain my sanity back.

Then, "SB" came up to me and asked how he could help. I told him, "I know I need ot buck up. I do. I just wish it could be simple for a day."

405 mg for a bg.

"S" once again approached me and let me know his pancreas guy came through and we would be in touch.

Laughter commenced.

I asked my coach if I could keep back up supplies in the office and he agreed. He said there is no issue with it and if they could help, they would do anything. #lovemycoaches

Just as the last emotion broke, my bracelet (that I forgot I was wearing) poked through my shirt sleeve. YOU CAN DO THIS. A tear came to my eye, and I smiled.

I stopped worrying. I knew my BG level was climbing, and I couldn't control it. But, I wasn't going to die tonight. I wasn't going to pass out. I was making money. And I was with people that knew what was going on. I can do this.

It was frustrating as all get out. I had a kink in my tubing and couldn't get myself under control. I had to stay in the restaurant until things got grasp again and I had to put on a happy face in front of guests. I lost my cool for about twenty minutes, but I regained it and made good money. I fnished my close and came home and fixed my issue.

But, it doesn't change that I hate it. It doesn't change that some times, I'm going to get scared when diabetes won't do what I want it to and just GO AWAY.

The difference is, I have people that support me. Organizations that support me. Me, who supports me.

It's hard right now, but it won't be every moment of every day. I can't wait to sleep and get over today. But, first, I need to check my blood glucose level.

#bgnow 172.

Not too shabby.

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