You Make it Hard on Me

Today, I woke up by my pump beeping at me. Like you do. But, it was my sensor. I had apparently ripped it out in the wee morning hours. I decided to leave it out for the first part of the day. I was productive and did everything I needed to do before coming home and putting a new sensor in, as well as a new pump site, since I was out of insulin. No big deal. Happens every three days.

I went to work at 5:30. Since I work in a fast paced environment, I was able to ignore my pump to a certain extent. Except, we were slooooow tonight. And of course, I was closing, which meant that I would get out of the restaurant at 10:30 at the EARLIEST. But, of course, we had people that wanted to sit there until 10:45. Which wouldn't have been a big deal normally, other than the mild irritation we had at them. However, at 8:00, my "Predicted High" alert started.

I checked my blood sugar and was at a 325 BG. So, I decided to eat a piece of bread quickly and bolus for it, thinking it would surely bring my blood sugar down. Three quarters of the way through my slice, I got a "No Delivery" message. Tried to bolus again. "No delivery." Tried again. "No Delivery."

Shit.

Started messing with my pump. Accidentally hit the rewind feature and lost my insulin. I didn't have an extra site with me because I had just changed today and didn't think it was necessary. Well, it was.

I lost all possibilities of insulin and pump use and realized I had two hours of work left at minimum.

In our restaurant, the closers check out the sidework, silverware and tables of the non-closers. We do it to be efficient. And then, the coaches (management) check us out. Which, is amazingly convienent. But, I started to lose it.

I freaked out. I was frustrated. I had to set my pump down because I thought I was going to throw it across the kitchen. I threw my tubing instead. #bigbabystyle

I had the other two closers helping me. But, I was getting triple sat and couldn't control myself. I consider a lot of my coworkers as friends. When "S" asked me what he could help me with, I pleaded for a new pancreas. In true S style, he said, "No problem. I know a guy."

I laughed through my tears. This was perfect for me. But, I was still distrought.

"C" came up to me and asked how she could help and what was wrong. I lost it. I started crying and said, "I know it's stupid, but I just hate having diabetes and I don't want to deal with complications. I want to let go of what I can't control and just get over it." She patted my back and helped me gain my sanity back.

Then, "SB" came up to me and asked how he could help. I told him, "I know I need ot buck up. I do. I just wish it could be simple for a day."

405 mg for a bg.

"S" once again approached me and let me know his pancreas guy came through and we would be in touch.

Laughter commenced.

I asked my coach if I could keep back up supplies in the office and he agreed. He said there is no issue with it and if they could help, they would do anything. #lovemycoaches

Just as the last emotion broke, my bracelet (that I forgot I was wearing) poked through my shirt sleeve. YOU CAN DO THIS. A tear came to my eye, and I smiled.

I stopped worrying. I knew my BG level was climbing, and I couldn't control it. But, I wasn't going to die tonight. I wasn't going to pass out. I was making money. And I was with people that knew what was going on. I can do this.

It was frustrating as all get out. I had a kink in my tubing and couldn't get myself under control. I had to stay in the restaurant until things got grasp again and I had to put on a happy face in front of guests. I lost my cool for about twenty minutes, but I regained it and made good money. I fnished my close and came home and fixed my issue.

But, it doesn't change that I hate it. It doesn't change that some times, I'm going to get scared when diabetes won't do what I want it to and just GO AWAY.

The difference is, I have people that support me. Organizations that support me. Me, who supports me.

It's hard right now, but it won't be every moment of every day. I can't wait to sleep and get over today. But, first, I need to check my blood glucose level.

#bgnow 172.

Not too shabby.

Do you notice I can't focus?

Stressful night! With the use of the CGM, my pump is back to yelling commands at me. "Predicted High." "Predicted Low." "Meter BG NOW." And, I received all of those messages between 2 a.m. and 5 a.m. And now, it's time to get up and start my day and I'm exhausted. My heart feels like it won't stop racing and anxiety is kicking in.

While chatting with my bestie via text this morning, she asked, "I feel like things (diabetes) have been more out of whack recently. Is everything ok?"

Bring on the water works.

Aside from diabetes, I hate the question: Is everything ok. Not because of someone asking. But it feels like when someone asks, my mind floods and I realize all the things that aren't ok. I'm a mess, I know. I should focus on the positive, and do mostly. But that question seems to be a trigger.

But, then, I really started thinking about the question. The past five to six months have been insane in my personal life. I started a new job. (Which I LOVE.) I have really become independent financially. (Which scares the shit out of me.) And I got divorced. (Super bitter sweet. Everything was finalized a week and a half ago.) With everything going hectic in my world, I really haven't paid as much attention to my diabetes as it deserves.

1. I don't want it to rule my life.
2. Obviously, bigger things have needed my direct attention.
3. Diabetes, believe it or not, is not as exciting and fun as it sounds so sweeping it under the carpet seems lovely.

So, as stated in my last post, I started using my CGM again. And it's a bitch. It's actually keep track of my blood sugars every ten minutes and doing it's friggin job. Which, I should be happy about. But I am a control freak, my friends. I like things how I like them. And I can't get my blood sugars to do exactly what I need to. So, my CGM is yelling at me constantly. At work. When I'm with friends. And, when I'm trying to get a decent nights rest.

I know it's good in the long run, but I just need some stinking sleep. And I am done with 3 am crashes and 4 am high predictions and 5 am meter BG demands and feeling like my body can't get a grip.

The good part of all of this is that I am recognizing I need more focus on D. The bad part is, I'm focusing on D and it's stressing me out.

I'm taking bids for who wants to take this over for me from now on. That's it, a diabetes secretary!

Qualified Applicants will have the following:

• Great Health Insurance
• Never ending patience
• Finger tips of steel
• No scar tissue to interfere with infusion sites
• Control over binge eating
• Strong Mathematical Skills and Carb Counting Techniques

Preferred, but not necessary:

• High journaling performance
• Juice boxes and glutose tabs always on hand
• Paddle to swat away diabetic unfriendly people

Apply within and you will be notified shortly.